To mark the debut of 2023, I donned my best suit, took a comfortable seat by the fireplace, lit a cigar, gave a pat on the noggin to Pipit — my loyal canine I found wandering along a beach on Amity Island in the mid-1970s — and together we figured out what will come of the world’s most annoying trends and habits in the New Year. (Plus we also gave you one bright spot to look forward to.)
But for now, let the complaining commence:
I’ve got a lot of problems with you people
Drivers will keep backing vehicles into parking spaces
It hardly ever fails. Most times when I’m searching high and low for a spot in a parking lot, I end up waiting on motorists who take an inordinate amount of extra time to maneuver their vehicles backward into parking spaces.
I’ve never understood this phenomenon. The normal among us know it’s easy and takes next to no time to drive
forward into a parking space — and afterward, there’s all the room in the world to back out of said space in a safe and relatively efficient manner.
backing into a space? These practitioners are choosing to take longer — often significantly longer — to do something that otherwise takes seconds to pull off, all while folks like me wait. And wait. And wait. Yeah, yeah, I know there are tried and true methods for backing into spaces without a lot of trial and error. However, even if every driver used them, backing into parking spaces would still take longer! And I’m still waiting longer.
Also, in the interest of perpetuating gender stereotypes, do any women on the planet actually back into parking spaces? I swear it’s a guy thing.
Why do guys back into parking spots- Reverse Parking
I wish backing into parking spaces would go the way of the dinosaur, but sadly I see no end in sight in 2023.
Shoppers will continue using the incorrect door
Unfortunately for me, most times when I approach a store’s double doorway — whether I’m entering or exiting — I’m accosted by people headed in the opposite direction who use the
God created double doorways so that all of us can enter and exit using the
right-hand door. No fuss, no muss. Smooth foot traffic. Plus, this is ‘Murrica. We drive in the right-hand lane; we should go through the right-hand door. But nooooo. Instead it seems most people are addicted to using the left-hand door — and that messes up everything.
This is how it’s done:
ANNA-ROSE GASSOT/AFP via Getty Images
This is wrong!
Photo by Drew Angerer/Getty Images
The worst? When I open the right-hand door to enter a store and end up
holding it open for people departing the building through that same door — the one reserved by divine decree for my use — all while a perfectly operational door to their right goes untouched.
In 2023, this sacrilege will continue — as will my frustration.
Hollywood will release a movie using only a vertical frame
It seems most cell phone users can’t get enough of the vertical frame when they record video. It is, of course, natural to hold one’s phone vertically, since that’s the way cell phone users typically view their phones. But to shoot video? Ugh.
Guys, there’s this thing called a “wrist rotation.” You can use it to turn your phone “horizontally” so that you get this thing called a “wider shot” — and then you don’t have to resort to ridiculous, constant panning right and left, over and over, while
still holding your phone vertically.
Nevertheless, I predict some Hollywood mogul this year will release — either for revenge or for popularity — a movie shot solely with a vertical frame. That way ticket buyers who shoot their own videos vertically can enjoy a movie that annoyingly captures just a sliver of the action while other stuff happening to the right and left goes unseen.
Oh, it’s a thing, all right:
Why Vertical Filmmaking Is The Future Of Cinema (How To Make The Best Vertical Movies)
People will continue to misuse and confuse ‘lose’ and ‘loose’
Despite my grammar-stickler tendencies — due in no small part to my profession — I usually let most infractions go. But one has annoyed me for as long as I can remember: The misuse of, confusion between, and flat-out sloppiness surrounding the words “lose” and “loose.”
Now hear this: They are different words with different meanings.
For example, while I love to see “America’s Team” defeated as much as the next Eagles fan, if I come across one more person proclaiming on social media that the Dallas Cowboys are “loosing this game” I might just blow a gasket.
Therefore, out of respect for my gasket, please — pretty please — pay closer attention to your use of “lose” and “loose.”
But I won’t be holding my breath for any improvement this year.
Folks will finally stop saying ‘right’ after every other phrase
We’ve been subjected to this awful trend for several years, right? People everywhere frequently uttering “right” after a phrase, right? Turning what’s otherwise a statement into a question when it’s really not a question, right? Gets under your skin after a while, right? I know, right?
I’m not sure why I’m coming to this conclusion, but like other spoken-word fads of the past, something tells me the “right” suffix will fizzle out over the next 12 months as well.
To sweeten the pot for its demise, if y’all get rid of “right,” I’m willing to bring this one back to life:
Wazzup! full collection
Hooray! A big bright spot in 2023!
Pipit and I promised you a bit of hope for the New Year, and we’re delivering. In 2023, droves of teens and young people will become fans of the correct music. That’s right: Classic rock.
How do I know this? If you’re not a YouTube user of any regularity, you’ve likely missed the steady growth of music reaction videos. Such clips are dedicated to real-time responses from folks listening to particular songs for the very first time. The thing is, though, these YouTubers aren’t typically reacting to the latest creation by Adele or Taylor Swift; instead they’re going back in time to when popular music was created by artists who played their own instruments, wrote their own tunes, and recorded to real tape. Plus, they did so without today’s technology that can correct flat or sharp vocals in a flash or repair a bum guitar lick or drum fill with a touch of a button. In short, back to when music was real and musicians and singers had to be talented.
There’s indeed hope for this next generation. Check out a pair of examples below. (Content warning: Language):
Teen Reacts To Boston – More Than a Feeling!!!
The Spirit of Radio – Rush College Students’ FIRST TIME REACTION!
Don’t you feel better already? I do. Happy New Year!
Except now I can’t find my dog. Pipit? Pipit! Pipit!!!